Welcome to my world

My wish…I don’t have a wish, I have many wishes, but it depends…It depends from the moment. Everybody has his own wishes and he tries to realize those wishes in life. Are big wishes and small ones starting at a shirt we want to buy.  My wishes are kind of different. I have many of them and a big part of them are really crazy. I don’t know if I may like that, maybe yes, maybe no…But my craziness is different, and I think that makes me special somehow. I know that in the world people are different from each-other and not just from the outer appearance, but everyone is unique and are those little things that make special.  

My life has been different from every other teenage and from my friends especially. I have been experience that are gonna be always with me and that is result of my parent…but I have done many mistakes, little mistakes and big mistakes that leave a scar in live. But I believe that those mistakes have made me this girl I am today, strong and confidence at my self. Well, most of the time.  Sometimes I would like to be a different person, not this who I am. Sometimes I think I am no worth it, and I want to do crazy things and than kill myself before 18, and a matter of fact I have a list with different ways of how to do it(in my mind)… But than it seems like a crazy thing and it seems like that even right now that I am writing it down. And now you may think that I’m crazy. Well maybe I am and maybe this is who I am and I don’t have a reason to hide it… But there are moments that I think just for the beautiful things of life and than a life it seems not long enough, like it is too short to enjoy everything.  I want to have a career in fashion industry, my passion and this is not because I like fame or money, but because this is the way I see the world and I can’t change this even if I want to(but I don’t), this is who I am and if somebody likes me, they should like me for who I am. And where are we? Oh yes at the career: and than I want to fall in love with the love of my life and want to have a wonderful family. I want to know how does it feel to be a mother, what do you feel when that beautiful creature kicks you, it seems really special and beautiful and I want to feel it for myself, in the right moment, and in the end I want to grow old with my love and see my children how they enjoy the life and fulfill they dreams. I am a person who likes many things, it seems like I am 2 persons in the same time, the girl who doesn’t care for anyone and does many things without thinking about consequences and on the other hand I am the girl with big dreams in life…

Something inside me, a weird voice, scary voice but very tempting at the moment tells me to jump, it tells me “ Try it, you don’t have a thing to lose”, but in the moment that my foot does not have a place to rest, I stop. It’s scary and it makes you feel really weird. This is who I am. But still sometimes I don’t want to be this who I am, to be no longer a selfish, so harebrained and I have been, I think we should make mistakes in life even thought are people try to protect us from getting hurt. But no, better hurt and learn are lesson. Sometimes I feel like no one understand me, like no one tries to help me even my self, like I am in this hypnosis moment and  just in the peak I wake. “We know our selves when we touch our limits” someone said and it is totally true. I think I am a girl with complex and right now it seems like I overpraised my self, but it’s true, I don’t think that there would be someone who would get me like I get me self let’s say(I don’t have a better word to describe it)I think that you would think now that I’m not good, you may, I did too time ago, but I am OK. I have found a peaceful way to live with my devil and angel and I guess no one win this silence battle. “Life is to short, or to long to aloud myself the luxury to live it so bad” It’s a quote that made me wonder, and somehow it correspondence me…I consider the life sometimes to short and sometimes to long, you will never know, we don’t know what is going to happen and this attracts me. I think the beautiful of living lies in the fact that we don’t know nothing about it, we are part of the game and the rules are firmed, you just have to play but in the way there  are tricks.  I like the fact that I don’t care what people say about me, because if they talk they don’t know me. It will take a life to know me that much… There are so few people that know me with just a look in the eyes, no need for words. I know to hide the pain very well and I hate this about me. Sometimes I don’t want to let nobody in my own world because I think in that way will be better, but on the other hand I want desperately a person to help me out from what I am experience.  I don’t get my own self, this is very weird. But I think that every one has his own way to live the life, to express and feel things, and this is the way I am cooked after all… People should get used to others and I make a different category of understanding…And my wish still stays the same : I want to be forever this who I am until I will stop breathing and my heart will stop beating and no one would ever change me, because if someone tries to change you like a person than he/she don’t deserve you in his/her life!

That way the essay I wrote few weeks ago is the Leterature! The subject was : "My wish" and that day I was really down! Anyway hope you like it! Till the next time...

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                                        Love, Kiki